


Lost and Found

by Sareki



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode: s04e08 Year of Hell, F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-05
Updated: 2015-09-05
Packaged: 2018-04-19 06:14:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4735541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sareki/pseuds/Sareki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(P/T, J/T) Set in the Year of Hell timeline. After Tom and Chakotay are lost, B’Elanna and Kathryn find love and comfort in each other. Rated R.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lost and Found

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gloriousunderstanding](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=gloriousunderstanding).



> This story was written to celebrate my wonderful friend gloriousunderstanding’s birthday. It is out of my normal Tom and B’Elanna comfort zone, but she is a J/Ter, and as such I tried to put together something she would enjoy. This story is consistent with the episode, you just have to read between certain lines in a particular way. In any case, I really wanted to explore the concept of having to move on after your significant other dies (or is lost) and this seemed like the perfect forum. I hope my regular P/T readers enjoy this, as well as any new J/T readers that may be checking out my work for the first time. 
> 
> As always, many thanks to RSB for all her help with this piece.

**Day 125**

The hypospanner sailed through the air, whistling softly before making a satisfying clang as it came in contact with the far wall. For a brief moment, B’Elanna felt better, the sudden action of launching the object across the room reliving some of her tension. But the moment was quickly over, and her frustration returned. She looked around her damaged and deserted engine room, and not for the first time, thought that this was all a lost cause. In what seemed to be a never ending cycle, her frustration with fixing the ship turned again to hopelessness. It was going to take her weeks to get the starboard nacelle working again. And with the structural integrity field at almost zero and whole sections (including her quarters) breached into open space, traveling at warp ever again would be taking their life in their hands.

B’Elanna leaned against the wall and slowly slid down it, finally coming to a stop when she hit the grimy floor. Resting her head on her knees, she thought about just lying down on the floor, curling up in a ball, and giving up. After all, she’d lost almost everything: her staff, her engines, her quarters…. Tom.

She tried not to think about him very often. She wasn’t even exactly sure how she should feel. In some ways, she lamented, it would be easier if she knew he was dead. Then she could mourn him and try to move on. But this? He was captured, maybe alive, maybe dead. And with no way to know if she would ever see him again.

It was too many maybes for her to deal with on a day to day basis. So she just tried not to think about it.

But that didn’t ease the aching in her heart.

Footsteps echoed through the unnaturally silent room. B’Elanna left her head down, knowing who it was. With only six other people around, it had become easy to identify everyone’s footsteps.

“I take it things are going well.”

B’Elanna smiled, in spite of herself. “Peachy,” she responded, her head still resting on her knees.

She heard the captain moving next to her and then felt an arm wrap around her. B’Elanna lifted her head and leaned into the half hug, resting her temple on the captain’s shoulder. With the touch, B’Elanna could feel some of her tension slipping away. Over the past weeks, B’Elanna had found herself in similar positions with the captain more and more often. Just a few moments of contact with another person would calm and center her. It would remind her why she was working so hard to fix this ship. It wasn’t for her. It was for the six other people left on Voyager.

And maybe for Chakotay and Tom too. If they were still alive.

“Feeling better?” The captain was lightly stroking her hair. B’Elanna closed her eyes and immersed herself in the feeling, letting the natural release of endorphins raise her spirits.

“Yes, I think so, Captain.”

The captain gave her a light squeeze before saying, “Good. And B’Elanna, can you do me a favor?”

B’Elanna craned her head to meet the other woman’s eyes.

“Call me Kathryn.”

 

**Day 135**

B’Elanna watched as the captain left the Mess Hall. They all sat there in silence for a moment, following Seven’s characteristically blunt pronouncement that the captain was “in error.”

“Well,” B’Elanna said, breaking the silence. “I guess I have three weeks’ worth of work to fit into 12 hours.” Rising, she left her ration cube slurry behind and began the trek to Deck 11.

The turbolifts had not functioned properly in months and B’Elanna had long ago given up on leaving Engineering. It took about half an hour to move from the upper decks to her engine room using only the Jefferies tubes and the undamaged corridors. Frustrated with the daily trek, B’Elanna had relocated her bedding and food to deck 11. Now she slept beneath the dim glow of her barely functioning warp core.

Exhaustion was slowly shutting down her mind and it felt nice to simply think of nothing as she made her way through the deserted ship. She was on autopilot, walking the shortest path from the Mess Hall to Engineering when she unexpectedly found herself at a place she normally avoided.

Tom’s quarters.

She hadn’t thought of him in days, maybe a week. B’Elanna instantly felt a pang of guilt. It had been two months since he and Chaktoay had been taken and already he seemed to be slipping from her memories. She berated herself for not mourning his loss better... not that she knew what that even meant.

Should she be making a plea for the dead of him every day? Should she cry herself to sleep every night? What exactly was enough?

B’Elanna was deep in this train of thought when she finally popped out of the Jefferies tube and into Engineering. There was a clanging noise coming from across the room, and she knew who it was.

She approached, slowly. “Kathryn.”

The other woman’s head rose slowly from behind a console. “B’Elanna. What do you think you can have fixed by tomorrow morning?”

 _Absolutely nothing_ , was the snarky reply that first came to B’Elanna’s mind. But she looked the other woman up and down, and she realized this was how a captain mourns her losses. Not through tears or pleas… but by getting her ship righted and bringing her crew back together.

“As much as I can.” B’Elanna replied, taking note that the captain was studying her. No, it wasn’t the captain, it was her friend…. Kathryn.

“Are you okay?” Kathryn asked.

B’Elanna instantly wondered what brought about that question. Did she really look that bad? Did Kathryn somehow know the bleak thoughts that she had carried from Tom’s quarters?

She was about to just lie and say she was fine, but something stopped her. Instead, she confessed the truth. “I feel guilty for not missing him… Tom… more. I feel bad that days will pass and he will not enter my thoughts once. I mean, I love him, right? Shouldn’t he always be in my head?”

They were both silent for a moment. Slowly, Kathryn came out from behind the console she had been working under and approached B’Elanna. The older woman wrapped her arms around the younger, and B’Elanna clutched her, as though she were a life preserver. “I understand,” Kathryn whispered.

They stood like that, for a long moment before slightly pulling back. B’Elanna was still in Kathryn’s arms when their eyes met. Kathryn tucked a stray lock of hair behind B’Elanna’s ear before running her hand down the side of her face. B’Elanna shivered at the sensation of the other woman’s hands on her. She reached up and copied Kathryn’s motions, searching her eyes…. and not really understand the tide of feeling and emotions that were welling within her.

B’Elanna would never know if it was the exhaustion, the hunger, the loneliness, the desperation…. But something caused her to be bold in that moment. Grabbing the back of the captain’s head, she pulled, bringing their lips together.

The kiss was soft and delicate. The captain’s breasts were pressed up against her own and she could feel the other woman’s hands trailing up and down her body as the pace of the kiss quickened. B’Elanna couldn’t help but compare how different this was from when she had kissed men… how different this was from Tom.

B’Elanna broke the kiss immediately.

They had made a promise to be exclusive. To be faithful. And here she was making out with Kathryn. 

But how long did she have to honor her commitment to a lover who was missing in action?

“I’m sorry, B’Elanna. That was… inappropriate of me.” Kathryn’s words jolted B’Elanna out of her thoughts.

With a slight stammer, B’Elanna replied, “No, I’m… I’m the one who initiated it. I’m the one who should be apologizing.”

Another awkward moment passed and B’Elanna didn’t fail to notice that neither one of them actually seemed too sorry it had happened. She almost stepped forward again, finding herself wanting to be back in Kathryn’s arms. To taste her lips again.

“I should get back to work on the nacelle.” B’Elanna turned and hurriedly walked away before she lost her nerve and ended back up in Kathryn’s arms.

 

**Day 180**

“Yes? What?”

B’Elanna entered the dimly lit closet that was Kathryn’s ‘quarters’. It was just a few hours ago that they had been battered by micrometeoroids, and the captain had charged down to deflector control in order to save the ship.

The captain had warned them over the com that she would be coming back with severe burns, but B’Elanna didn’t really know what to expect. All she knew is that her heart had jumped into her throat when she had heard those words over the comm. And that when the Doctor told her the captain had been released from his care, she knew she had to seek her out.

Even if she had been pretty much avoiding the captain since they kissed, despite not being able to get the woman out of her head.

“I….” B’Elanna trailed off, not really knowing what to say. In the dim light, she couldn’t really see the captain. She didn’t know what exactly the extent on her injuries had been. All she knew was that she still ached sometimes from the injuries she had sustained when the turbolift gave out. And their medical equipment back then had been much better than what they were left with now.

Kathryn propped herself up onto her elbows. “Did the Doctor send you?”

B’Elanna furrowed her eyebrows. “No.”

“Good.” B’Elanna watched as Kathryn plopped back down on her bed. “Just let me rest for an hour, then I’ll come help you with whatever you need.”

B’Elanna began to turn away, but then something stopped her. _Fuck it_. “I came to see if you were okay.”

Kathryn turned her head slightly, in order to look at B’Elanna. The small stream of light that shot in through the doorway showed the no longer smooth skin of Janeway’s face. B’Elanna gasped softly at the damage and advanced towards the bed.

“I’m fine. Most of the damage is superficial.”

B’Elanna sat on the edge of the cot and slowly reached out. “Does it hurt?” she asked, her hand hovering.

“No, it just looks like hell.”

Hesitantly, B’Elanna laid her hand on the marred flesh, lightly brushing it with her fingers. “I’m sorry,” she murmured as she stroked Kathryn’s cheek.

“No, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the whole damn situation. For ever stranding us in the mother-fucking Delta Quadrant to being with!” Kathryn’s voice had started soft, but had slowly raised in volume as she berated herself. She tried to turn away, but B’Elanna’s hand was still on her face.

Their eyes met and B’Elanna heard a voice in her head. _Just let it happen._

She leaned down, kissing the soft lips she had been unable to get out of her head. B’Elanna tugged hesitantly at Kathryn’s clothes and, encountering no resistance, began to remove them. Before she knew completely what was happening, they were laying together, unclothed on the small cot Kathryn slept on, hands exploring each other’s naked bodies. B’Elanna had never been with a woman like this before, and found herself pleasantly aroused by running her hands along the curve of Kathryn’s breasts and hips.

Suddenly, Kathryn grabbed her ass, pulling her close and kissing her more roughly. B’Elanna moaned softly, caught up in the sensation. Kathryn’s touch was becoming more confident, more assured, and B’Elanna could feel herself getting wet already. It had been far too long since she’d had the time or privacy to attend to such baser needs.

But right now the attention felt delectable.

Kathryn began kissing down her stomach and B’Elanna knew where she was headed. She parted her legs and leaned back, taking a breath and waiting in anticipation.

At first Kathryn’s motions were uncoordinated and even hesitant. It occurred to B’Elanna that she might not be the only one in this bed that this was all new for. But after a little direction and encouragement, B’Elanna was writhing at Kathryn’s touch. It had been so long that it seemed almost as soon as it began B’Elanna was coming, crying out to god as waves of pleasure raced through her.

She laid there for a moment, satisfied and content as Kathryn kissed her way back up her body. They kissed for a long moment, and B’Elanna could taste herself on Kathryn’s lips. It was never a flavor she had really enjoyed and she wondered how she would feel about it when she ‘returned the favor.’

But then again she had never liked the taste of cum either and she had happily sucked Tom off on many occasions.

_Tom. What have I done?_

“How was it?” Kathryn’s words broke into her thoughts.

B’Elanna tried to push Tom out of her head and smile. “It was great.”

“I’m glad.”

Kathryn’s hands were tracing her body again when she stiffened involuntarily. The hands stopped their motions. “What is it?”

A thousand lies came to her mind, but again, the presence of this woman compelled her to tell the truth. “I just cheated on Tom.”

A silence filled the small room. After a few moments, Janeway let out a long breath. “I’m so sorry.”

B’Elanna was about to tell her not be when she heard Kathryn start giggling. She turned her head to meet the woman’s eyes, but found the older woman paralyzed by laughter.

“What the fuck is so funny about that?!” B’Elanna demanded.

Kathryn was trying to compose herself long enough to get out the words. “At least he would have liked watching this.”

B’Elanna was shocked silent for a moment. Then she burst out laughing as well. “Are you offering a show if we get him back?”

Kathryn wiped a tear away. “A threesome with you and Tom? I could think of worse fates.”

B’Elanna’s laughter came to a slow stop and she softly kissed Kathryn. “I’m sorry to bring him up, especially when we’re… like this,” she said after breaking the kiss.

Kathryn held her tight. “Don’t be. He was… is… important to you.”

“Do you think they’re dead?” B’Elanna asked, feeling secure enough in Kathryn’s arms to actually voice this thought out loud.

B’Elanna felt Kathryn run her fingertips up and down her arm. “I hope not. But…”  Kathryn trailed off, but it was enough. The implication was clear.

B’Elanna swallowed, then looked back up at Kathryn, resolved. “I need to live in the moment. Because who knows what will happened tomorrow. And in this moment, I want to…” she paused, trying to think of something sexy to say.

“You want to what?” Kathryn’s voice was husky, and heavy with arousal.

“I want you.”

 

**Day 226**

A soft beeping roused B’Elanna from unconsciousness. She reached out reflexively for Kathryn, in the hopes that burying her head against the other woman would quell the intrusive noise.

But no one was with her. And the beeping wasn’t the alarm. She was on her cot in Engineering, alone, and the sound was the subspace transceiver.

B’Elanna slid on her boots to protect her feet from the debris on the floor, but didn’t bother to put her jumpsuit on over her shorts and tank top. She padded over to the terminal where the array was connected and saw the flashing message.

As she read it, a cacophony of emotions resonated through B’Elanna. It was from Tom. He and Chakotay were alright and he was sending their coordinates and a plan to disable the weapon-ship. The message was brief, but ended with, “Chakotay send his best, Captain. And give B’Elanna my love.”

B’Elanna sank down into the chair in front of the station. It had been over a month and a half since that fateful day that B’Elanna and Kathryn first had sex. Since then, B’Elanna had found herself seeking out Kathryn more and more… and not just for physical pleasure. Despite their exhaustion, some nights they would lay next to each other, just talking. Other nights B’Elanna would fall asleep quickly in Kathryn’s arms. She had come to accept that Tom was dead, that she had properly mourned him, and that, despite how terrible things were, the happiness she had found in Kathryn was real.

But now Tom was alive. He was out there. And he was still in love with her.

B’Elanna thought back to a few weeks ago. She had been kissing her way back up Kathryn’s body to snuggle next to her. “God, you’re getting good at that,” Kathryn had said before giving her a kiss.

B’Elanna smiled. “You’re not too bad at it yourself.”

They kissed again, and Kathryn ran her hand through B’Elanna’s hair and along her face. “I wish we had come together under better circumstances,” Kathryn lamented, before kissing her ridges. “I just never imagined how much I could love you before all this.”

They both froze as the words left Kathryn’s mouth. “You love me?” B’Elanna had asked, scarcely believing it, but at the same time knowing it to be true. And she knew she felt the same way.

“Yes, I do. Very much.” Kathryn kissed her forehead ridges again. B’Elanna couldn’t believe how free Kathryn was with her love, and, unlike B’Elanna, did not immediately demand reciprocation.

But B’Elanna chose to give it freely. “I love you, too.”

B’Elanna snapped back to the present. The message was still open in front of her. _Give B’Elanna my love_.

B’Elanna could feel her heart ripping in two. She couldn’t deal with this right now. What she needed to do was alert Kathryn. They had a missions to accomplish.

 

**Day 257**

B’Elanna stood on the bridge of the Mawasi ship, unable to look away as Kathryn piloted Voyager into the weapon-ship.

In the last month, as B’Elanna had worked with Harry to install temporal shielding in the rest of the fleet, she had felt Kathryn slipping away from her. The other woman had become obsessed from the moment that she had read the message from Tom.

And in that moment it felt as though the magic that had brought them together had been broken.

B’Elanna had asked to come back to Voyager for one night, desperately wanting to lay in Kathryn’s arms again. But she had been denied. “You’ll be seeing Tom again in just a few days,” Kathryn had told her over the com.

As though her love for Kathryn was just a filler as she waited for his return.

B’Elanna wanted to argue, to tell her she was wrong, but the look in Kathryn’s eyes told her it was useless. When Kathryn Janeway made up her mind, that was it. Kathryn wanted a clean break, to rip the bandage off as quickly as possible.

But she left B’Elanna with an open wound.

As the temporal wave rushed towards them, she felt a pair of strong, familiar arms wrap around her from behind. She leaned back against Tom, feeling his love. But she also wished for the slender arms of the woman she had come to love over the past five months.

The shockwave overwhelmed the viewscreen and a bright glow filled the bridge.

B’Elanna closed her eyes.

 

_fin_


End file.
